Reality Bites

2011-01-06T13:44:00.000-08:00

This body is a shell

a temporary home

To see a glimpse of the world

A window of wisdom

A atom in the mass of molecules

A wave in an ocean

And as the pendulum swings

We realize that there is no pendulum afterall

only a self absorbed need

To explain decay

when you wish upon a star.....

2010-09-15T17:21:00.001-07:00

I need a dream. In my head there are a million little sparks of the future, sparks that I have lit and forgotten about. I need a dream. I need to hold on to one thing that makes me want to run with the clouds. I want that one thing that consumes me and saves me. I keep changing, thinking that walking different paths I might find mine. I haven't. Well thankfully I haven't looked back yet. But those little fires die sometimes, and I think that without it there's no point to all this. I don't want them to see a pretty face so I go ugly. They put me down and say I can't so I don't. I'm chasing my own tail. I need a dream. I need to stop remembering how warm your smile is, 'cos when I'm cold and hungry you won't be my easy way out. I want to stop feeling guilty for staying away and remember I do so to let you heal, to let me heal. I want to stop being ashamed and accept that the past is a baggage you choose to carry, and not one thrust upon you. I want to forget how cold and dark that house was...is...I want to hide. And then a spark fires and I want to soar again. I need a dream. Just for awhile, I need a dream to wake up from reality.

ghosts...

2010-08-20T03:03:00.000-07:00

Idealism sucks...there's nothing ideal about it...we dream...we dream about dreaming...and we are so happy just dreaming we don't bother to act it out....we have our perfect situations...we love to think that those perfect situations have their imperfections but we love it more for it...we love to fool ourselves...we love to think that we were never in love...we were just fooling around...there's a reason why its called fooling around, 'cos it makes a fool out of you...sure you laugh...sure you runaway....of course you're scared...but you never think that this was the dream...you run 'cos it's what ur feet are used to...because for you its better than breathing...better than getting high on a few puffs of god knows what they do...the high is in the pain of knowing that you will cause pain...not realizing it takes two to tango two to bleed...you think you're ahead of the game when everyone else behind you are just ghosts...and so many...you're little collectibles...you're memorabilia of life as it were...you're still running...to idealism...away from a dark house...away from cutting words...away from angry eyes...away from claws...not realizing there was another road...one with loving hand and laughing eyes and sunshine...but you can't chose...there IS no choice...the intertwined mangled idealism of life...I hate idealism...idealism sucks...

You Cry

2010-05-18T07:42:00.001-07:00

Stopped wondering today
Why I forgot to smile
Stopped remembering the day
How I learnt to die
If your wondering why I turn
I turn 'cos love's a lie
Don't wanna be ur life
Don't want u in mine

But you take my breath away
Even when I break you
You take my breath way
I can't defeat you
You take my breath away
Cos its a prayer that I say
I hope you never find the day
You remember why
You cry

Sometimes I wonder if I don't say it
Will it disappear
I know if I break u so many times
you'll learn fear
But somehow you know that I
I need you here
Without you near
I might not survive

But you take my breath away
Even when I break you
You take my breath way
I can't defeat you
You take my breath away
Cos its a prayer that I say
I hope you never find the day
You remember why
You cry

And when you lift me throw me up
I remember the miracles I forgot
This place I'm in you've always been
The whisper in my heart

But you take my breath away
Even when I break you
You take my breath way
I can't defeat you
You take my breath away
Cos its a prayer that I say
I hope you never find the day
You remember why
I cry

The Edge of all Things Strange and Beautiful

2010-04-18T03:07:00.001-07:00

Dear You

2010-04-18T01:23:00.000-07:00

You held me when I was broken
Held me together
Kept my breath in my body
As my soul fell apart
You throw me
Into the sky
Passing rainbows and clouds
Touching the stars
You free me
Knowing I can never be captured
You let me find you
All on my own
You breath me
For it is you
and only you
I will let
To breath me in

The Green Eyed 19th

2010-04-18T01:13:00.000-07:00

Tell me again
Once more
Why I shouldn't
When I really should
When tomorrow brings you here
And takes you away from there
I know its not fair
But this is your battle
And I see in your eyes
You're losing
And I don't want to win
Not like this
Tomorrow
I know will bring you home
But then I would be gone
I would have fought mine
And won
For this I apologize
And for your eternal journey
Of love

I hold my breath

2010-04-17T16:12:00.000-07:00

So when I take the next
I've known the value of life
I close my eyes
So that when I wake
I've known dark from light
I walk barefoot
So that my feet knows
The feeling of this earth
I choose to love
For when it breaks
My heart will heal and grow

Just Another Spring Day

2010-04-16T08:27:00.000-07:00

I wondered at that pigeon
Hopping along side another
Head held high
A soldier warring for her pride
hiding a limp
I wondered at her
Another passenger
Another pedestrian
In this town
Of eternal winter
And seldom sun
A single legged miracle
All her life a balancing act
And as the bus moved along
I wondered if it was an act at all
Or if somewhere down her one footed life
The brave face stuck
Until all that was left
Was her
Simply a soldier
a Soldier
Warring for her pride

Looking for shortcuts!!!

2010-04-10T10:58:00.000-07:00

What's with ppl when they've crossed certain barriers they lose their brevity. It's like they've build themselves up f0r just one moment and after that's passed it's like they drop themselves at the fence and curl up to fall asleep. Isn't life about looking for the next something something? Finding the next to do in the list? I never ever thought I'd find myself here. 'Cos I've always been da gutsy one. Don't Like - Walk Away, Bored - Move on, Been There Done That - Turn the page. I don't believe in sitting still and watching moments pass by, but that's exactly what I've been doing. Changing that!!! NOW.

I Love...

2010-04-05T17:15:00.000-07:00

I love the way you see the world...just light...colour and light...I love how when I catch my breath you breath for me...I love that you seem to smile even when you try to hide it...I love how you pretend even though I know you know me better...I love how everything about you is simple and you allow me to be the complication...I love that you try without seeming to and how you silently take a skip behind me and I pretend not to see...I love that I know you without needing to do so...I love that even though you see the crossroads not too far away you seem to be only in this moment, only now...I love your innocence...I love your maturity...I love the little memories that flash in your eyes...I love how your voice just seeps in...resonating...I love how you love the world...how you seem to simply capture a moment and set it free...I love how I knew that even before I saw...I love that I forget and you forgive...I love how you listen and how you hear what I don't intend to say...I love how you set me free...I love how you blend into my moment...and make me blend into yours...I love that you're just a little vain to wonder if this is about you...and I love that I'd only forever keep you guessing...until time or something else takes it out of my hands...

Whenever the twain shall meet....

2010-04-05T17:12:00.000-07:00

In our corners of this world we sit and wonder soul brother, soul sister, if one day our circle will be complete...but one thing we know for sure....it will be as if we never were apart....

Two roads for me to take.. two roads to travel...but none's gonna take me home and none's gonna feel this safe....

2009-05-28T08:15:00.000-07:00

When did it all become about the money....the k'ching....about people's perceptions....about what they think and feel about you....when did it stop being about you and start being about them...when did it start hurting and stopped stopping....when did we lose ourselves? I look at my sister and I see myself so many years ago....positive, energetic, brave, full of life and spirit....me a long time ago...I think I envy her...hehe good thing I love her so much...

I want to walk back to the place where the child became the adult...where life taught lessons I wanna unlearn...where when love hurt you let it....and then you picked up the pieces and moved on...when I remembered how to love...I want to walk back to where I could look in the mirror and see myself and not the face of the demons I keep fighting everyday...I want the music back...the guitar strings that are now broken...

I want t believe in nirvana...in a higher power...in the strength of your mind...in god...whatever works....because I'm tired of fighting....with you, with me. I wanna stop falling short....because that's what you expect of me...I wanna run the fastest I am capable of and leave you to pace behind...I wanna catch me when I fall not expecting you to....I wanna be weak for a moment....to cry....because it's ok...

I wanna stop feeling that this is the end to all da means of my life... I wanna feel the free will that I speak so highly of....I wanna act it...behave it....succumb to it....swim in it...let it swim in my veins....

More than anything else in the world I want to walk away from you and walk back to me....and the only thing stopping me is a measly strip of paper...one demon...

A page from my diary.....

2008-09-23T16:58:00.000-07:00

Come on.....step in to my mind.....do you see? this is me...and this is my world....i don't expect you to understand...after all it isn't that simple....I know....I know you wish that it WAS that simple....do you feel that? that's joy....it sucks you in...a roller coaster ride...breaths you in....like love......of course I give into it...I laugh at everything that says life is short....what does it mean? my life is not lived in years. months, days or hours....but seconds....short is not a number....it's an eternity of the uncountable....

peace is a luxury....no....it WAS a luxury....now it's an addiction....it's in every cell every nuance of my existence....like the perfect wine....it's perfection achieved with time...peace.... is twirling and twirling in a lonely living room running back an year with each twirl....back to a childhood of ruffles and bows....

can you smell that? that's apples and berries.....cinnamon and lime....honey and roses...reminding me of a place I left behind....a place I run away from....a place I always end up running to....

it's the heart that skip skip skips a few beats and starts with a new life....there's no fear in this place....no dread... no darkness....

Come walk into my mind.... I am through fighting...this is me giving in....the dawn had touched my cheek....it's pretty...orange and blue and yellow....i am a part of that painting...drawn with the pastels of nature.... I am reluctantly but surely home....

Damn it....

2008-07-09T11:37:00.000-07:00

WOW…that’s all I have to say….WOW….you know those silver lining you talk about….it’s magic…it’s the WOW factor…. Tom Peters talked about it without even knowing how amazing that WOW factor was…

So my kitten died….I lost my wristwatch….my wallet and phone were stolen AND my visa rejected all within a span of a week…oh n did I forget to mention a thundering basket ball injury? Sigh…now that I think about it…it all seem a tad unreal…I was on da verge of tears…and then comes the blessing in life…

You know we forget the things that are important in life…we leave them for tomorrow…assuming ofcourse that tomorrow will indeed come…big assumption there…more so when you’re a resident in Colombo, Sri Lanka. We forget to tell our friends we love them…we forget to kiss our mothers….we forget to hug our sisters….we compromise for a vague excuse of a smile or some meaningless words…For me…this was the best opportunity to tell them all how much I love them…b’cos I realized no matter how bad it got, it would be worse without them….it would be worse on my own…

So I started with my mom….who hated any physical contact ;) oh well u can’t possibly live like that if you’ve got me for a daughter. So I hugged until she pried my arms away…oh well… and my sister ofcourse who pretends she hates to be hugged but giggles whenever I do….i hugged and tickled her until she couldn’t breath….then my dogs I hugged each one of them and got lots of dog drool all over my face…sigh… I sent my best friend a hug in UK…and sent each of my friends on chat a hug as well… I kissed da photo of my boyo…my soul mate…now somewhere in heaven hopefully having tequila shots and enjoying soft sand and a cool breeze…I took all three of my kittens…cotton, blackster and trinity (I didn’t name them…) one black and white like her mom and the others brown…they miss shady… they used to play in pairs but now they play in threes. They were soft and purry and I let them fall asleep on my hands…and I fell in love….

I fell in love all over again with a world that was a kaleidoscope of imperfections…..beautiful in it’s colours dancing a salsa to the nuances of life… I fell in love…with free will….that musters the strength to say I Love You buddy and I’ll always be there….I fell in love…because inspite of the imperfections and the infinitesimal yet colossal blunders…life never fails to give us a peek into a miracle… or three...three tiny kittens purring themselves to sleep… a scar that fades and doesn’t even leave the memory of an elbow hitting your cheek during basket ball…laughter in my sister’s eyes… breath….breath…

WOW… I fell in love with the peace that was part of every miracle…the humbling peace that overtakes you….life was beautiful…I had done my share of good deeds for the day…and my wallet and phone… I’ve replaced them…for better ones obviously… and I stuck a picture of me and my sister in my new wallet…me 13 she 8…giggling away at some joke I can’t recall…and all I can think is…I didn’t have a place for this in my old wallet…

About Mistakes.......

2008-03-04T08:44:00.000-08:00

Some say they wouldn't change any of the mistakes they made in life.....because it's those mistakes that moulded them into who they are....for me.....there are a few mistakes i wish i could take back....because inspite of them teaching me the biggest lessons in life......it took something precious away.....like the laughter in the eyes of a good friend.....the warmth of love.....the beauty of honesty and trust.......

and….then there are the big whoppers…… mistakes that teach us the wrong lessons….the lessons we don’t want to learn in life…..like how NOT to trust….how NOT to love….how NOT to let your guard down…..how NOT to depend on anyone….

And then you break a heart…..you mistrust someone…….you hurt someone….that doesn’t feel like a mistake….because we learnt how to self-preserve……and there is no going back after that….everything after that is shrugged off…..as circumstantial riffraff…..

A long time ago in a large conference room in a tiny hotel in south of England a little grey haired man told me…..forget the lessons …..forget the moulding….the crafting…..the scars…..the cuts…..forget all the marks that life left upon you…..shed the layers and layers of rust that has built.....go back to who you were before “THEY” came into the picture…..live your life like a child…..a child who dreams of growing silver wings and flying into the blue blue sky……live your life like you walk on air…..like water’s something you breath in…..like the ground is only for you to lay down to sleep……

Life is huge……so huge….and so beyond our comprehension…..but when we let our mistakes push us around……we let them shove us back…..a few steps back….in which time we could have leapt a few steps ahead…..

Life in full blast is ethereal……it’s like leaping off the edge and discovering you can float…as light as a feather...with the air flowing right through you…..right through your veins……if you let it…..it will accept you….mistakes and all…..

but….first…….you need to forgive yourself…..mistakes and all…….

Living Two Lives.....

2008-03-01T08:08:00.001-08:00

You know the feeling of being stuck between a rock and a hard place? well try being stuck between a rock and a soft bed of roses......and you can't let go of the former because it adds perspective to your life and somehow justifies the path you chose to walk on...and to forget the biting harshness of it....you escape to the bliss of millions of petals...... i dream about it you know.... the softness....the fragrance that slowly and stealthily creeps into your veins.....into every pore of your body that has been brutalized by the rock.....i bet this is what salvation feels like....stepping into heaven after crawling through the rubbish of earth..... you'd be surprised to know that i'm talking about work......my livelihood.....well my 'fulltime' one anyways......believe me when i say i love the work that i do......but what's sad is that i can never find anything in common with anyone around me.....these people stare at a laptop 24 7 like ginormous spiders awaiting their prey.....silent......ignorant of all else except the tiny fly that lands in front of them......ignorant.....and gradually they have converted me into an arthropod.....it's very rarely i feel human around them..... wow....that sounded a little harsh.....but this is me.....i'm used to painting, drawing, brain storming, strategizing......15 minutes of intense wok wok up their and your running around with a plan.....the bustle.....life......i'm used to life......but now LIFE happens on weekends.......anything that i say or do makes sense on weekends......so why do i still do it?? there's no justifyig it......but let me make atleast a lame attempt......i like my brain......i like the fact that it gets whopping ideas that make ppl sit and contemplate for a few minutes.....i like catching ppl off-guard.....i like watchin them wonder how smone as crazy as me can be good at what i do.....well i am.....on both accounts......and the bruising......i get my TLC on my weekends.....my bouncy beautiful bed of roses.......in walks life and all the rest that comes with it....... like i told my best friend.......time will come......this in only for NOW.......time WILL come.....but sometimes i wonder if it's all an excuse i make.....simply cos i like my rock.....the bark....the bite and all......hmmm......

Taking a big bite of sm'n sm'n......

2008-02-27T08:36:00.000-08:00

(yishe....has it bin THAT long since i blogged.....ya well......life always finds a way to keep u occupied.....)

treckin the world......we've all dreamt about it....work for 5 years of ur life....become filthy rich and just roam the earth.....a restless soul.....trying to find whatever wherever.....with a guitar for company.....and worn out leather boots.....i dream about it ....but whenever i do....it always comes back to this.......because there are sm'ns u can't leave behind.....sm'ns u can't live without.....sm'ms dat keep u grounded.....sm'ns that you give your heart to completely.....damn it dat's all a hecka lotta cliche's.......

haven't said this in quite awhile.....but i'm in love.....head over heals....butterflies and the works....and it's all for a land called Sri Lanka.....

it's true....if it's true love......you fall all over every morning....every night :)

Cowardly Lion....

2007-07-18T10:07:00.001-07:00

you know the theory where once burnt will never come near a flame again....and then thrs the stupid measly moth that cant resist....so my parents think its time for me to get hitched....and they're being quite adament about it......da last time they tried that i got a load of chocolates and the poor man ended up with an sms regretably saying no. hmmmm....parents...they just cant take a hint....and they've heard it all....who has time for relationships...concentrating on my career right now....we just dnt have enough in common........let me just give it all in one simple sentence.....WE FEMALES HAVE NO INTENTION OF TOLERATING YOU MALES IN OUR LIVES AT ANY POINT IN THE FORSEEABLE FUTURE!!!!
you're too obsessed, over-protective, over-bearing, need soooooo much of attention and cant stand the fact the women come with smthn smthn up thr other than boobies...
so ya.....im a coward...when it comes to men and relationships it scared me shitless...a hint of testosterone i turn to quicksilver....pronto...so please the next victim....its nothing personal.....
wish my mom read my blog :(

going around and around and around...

2007-07-18T05:58:00.001-07:00

so for a change today i submitted my oh so precious time to reading other blogs...eheemmmm.....riight...i did a quick browse through some of them..the very ghetto political fights...the breakups...the lost phones...the tuk tuk rides...the alanis morissette songs....the weddas and the earth quakes. ppl are just awesome at telling their life stories....its one long book of minute tales..everyone comes a long way in their lives....hell i have....im not da sobby bratty teenager i used to be...my red rimmed glasses have dropped to be replaced by contacts...my pimpywimpies have disappeared..my hair doesnt look like a bird's nest no more...and i can actually wear heals without toppling over....
somethings havent changed though...i still fight tooth and nail with my mom to get my way...what's different now is that i usually do....i think she thinks im grown up now....i still have my big whinnie the pooh my first boy friend gave me in my room....i still cry everytime i see sweet november...and im still addicted to chocolates...my favourite quote is still....live life on the edge or you're taking too much of space...and there is dat line i mutter to myself every time i have to make a decision....choose thou the way of greatness or the way of good....to reign a king of kings...or wonder lone crownless and homeless that the world be helped....light of asia....
isnt it amazing how you have atleast one thing in common with everyone you meet....and so many things that conflict and defer....the blends of black and white...never really forming a grey.....hopefully in another 5 years i'll read dis blog and realize....that life was good then....and even better now....

eyes wide shut.....

2007-07-17T22:58:00.000-07:00

people always leave....everything has its own season....every relationship be it personal professional.....we turn to our own bi-lanes...we choose our destinies....I’m an attentive listener to my instincts….I smell trouble from a mile and I know how to avoid it…..right now my instincts keep howling at me to stick around with my job….but at times I feel im wasted here….I need the constant adrenaline rush…..last week was superb…..one thing after the other….kill one bug in the system and 3 more pop-up…..it was a squatting match and I was armed with one mighty squatter….it felt good….you never feel tired if you have absolutely wasted yourself out…..you feel tired when you’re bored….doing stupid work and just lazing out….I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE LAZING…..arrrghhhh….that’s what I’m doing right now…..I’m addicted to workin every second…..help......im so bored on weekdays that I make sure my weekends are packed to the brink…..I can barely breath…..at times it feels like im on vacation during da week and doing da real thing on weekends…..I know its gotta stop……but my gut keeps telling me to hang on….hold tight…..yuck……for once I wish the little voice in my head would zip it……

Syndicated Ironies....

2007-06-15T09:25:00.000-07:00

I love my job...i do....it gives me da adrenaline rush i need and it gives me the satisfaction that lets me sleep soundly at night...it gives me goosebumps when i've dealt with a problem...well...i wish i could say that...i walked in with my eyes closed...would you believe if i told you that i tossed a coin and joint the company im working at the moment...heads in tails out and it was heads...that defined my destiny....its the only place i applied to and i just didnt want to even try anywhere else...but i do love the place i work in...i love the people i work with....they're amazing...but being a devil in heaven doesnt really get you anywhere now does it...you're never really gonna be happy cos you know you were never meant to be there in the first place...and you know you were meant for different things...the whole purpose you live for and you are who you are...and then comes the feeling that you are being stifled....that the walls are closing in on you...and then you feel like throwing your computer and stamping on it...and you see the ppl around you staring at their screens....you dont belong here....your voice gets meeker every day....but still you always find an excuse to hang around....what's with that anyways...im walking away....its time....to free fall:)

The Rebound Boy...

2007-06-12T12:57:00.000-07:00

Sweet like Chocolate...so when you've tasted sour grapes you know how the mildest sweetness can be heaven...for awhile anyways...hehee...until you wake up and smell the socks...lols....

Free Falling...

2007-06-12T12:36:00.000-07:00

Trust...is a little child's laughter when you throw them up in the air...because they know you'll catch them...its scary...letting someone into the world between the tiny scribbled letters in your diary...knowing that they're probably gonna shatter your miniscule precious little heart into bits...we cant stay away frm the the proverbial apple, so to speak...we dismiss the occational qualm....expecting the ends to justify its means....how stupid can you get.....NOONE REALLY CHANGES....if you're waiting for your significant other to grow up, grow down, stop being insensitive, stop being obsessive...IT WONT HAPPEN....wisen up....accept it or dump it.....either way...learn to move on...love isnt conditional....the concept doesnt exist....besides a great man once said...."if you want to change the world ...change your mind..."

The Best Policy...

2007-05-18T08:01:00.000-07:00

I hate lying… I despise it…its just a stupid white lie right?? Its a win-win no-one-gets-hurt teensy weensy white lie…damn it…if it weren’t for da guilt you feel afterward…man we should have never been born with a conscience. It’s an antithesis. We are the biggest liars on earth…we cheat, we con, we create illusions of ourselves and others around us…it feels awesome for a moment when you get away with it…then comes da doppelganger in you…the annoyingly virtuous one…and it hits you…a lie…disgusting…slimy…stinky…horrible lie…so guess what…I decided what da heck…I have nothing to lose…im gonna be freaking honest about my life…no more lying for convenience…or just to smoothen out a situation…brutal honesty…ouch…
So I had a presentation this morning…and last night my mom tells me...she FORGOT to tell me that I had a meeting about a scholarship at 10…there goes my presentation…anyways…so gotta call my boss and tell him that I cant do the presentation… these are the versions of the truth I came up with:

1) Have to meet up with our Dean about higher studies
2) Have a meeting with the Medical Research Institute about my thesis
3) Have a meeting with my professors about my thesis

All of them were well umm….related…it had to do with my studies and um….they were all meetings…but a little more critical than umm…a scholarship meeting…
Then I sat down and thought to myself...I’m making all this up just to take da easy way out…da gist of the situ was if my boss thought it was not acceptable that I should cancel a presentation for a scholarship meeting then well it just wasn’t acceptable…but I knew they were of equal importance…so I decided to go with da truth and surprise surprise…he was ok with it…

Morale of the story…so its risky telling da truth sometimes…and considering us humans are creatures of habit…it aint easy stopping in the middle of a big whopper and correcting it…and its embarrassing tripping on your own words…darn…but da feeling of absence of guilt you get afterwards…well let me be a freak and tell you…it feels good…absolutely possitively sleep-easy-at-night good...

And the little star fish lived happily ever after....

2007-05-14T03:40:00.000-07:00

“Live for the one you love…love like no one has loved…give…asking for nothing in return…”

don’t get me wrong but I am NOT a huge fan of the lady who sings this song but as simple as these words are they are absolutely true…
I had a conversation with a few friends…we were discussing our country…something we seem to do a lot these days…some of us wanted to up and leave…obviously the situation is such that its crazy to think of staying and trying to build a life for yourself in Sri Lanka…and then there were the few of us who felt out roots went too deep to just up and plant ourselves in richer soil…matters of perspective…for me just thinking of not returning to this country starts a pain in my chest…isn’t that silly?…but more than anything…its scary…staring into the ocean and knowing in your heart that you will never feel safe anywhere else on earth…knowing that even if you take flight and rendezvous around the world you would never be looking for greener pastures…but perhaps knowledge and experience you will bring back….little seeds to grow into pastures of there own…on a land you love more than anything you have encountered in life…it scares me even now when I think about it…my friend B said...you should never be attached to anything too much in your life…absolutely…I couldn’t agree more…attachment is the cause of suffering...
I don’t consider myself to be exceptionally brave nor exceptionally patriotic…but something makes me hurt inside when I look at the little children on the pavement sharing food with the dogs and flies…it hurts turning away from a little beggar boy because I cant give him money because I know there is a probability that he would use it for weed or worse…it hurts looking at the milk that wash to the shores with the waves in Kirinda knowing that I cant live without this…knowing that it’s a miracle the same waves that break onto the road with such force that the tar breaks into little peaces, can still gently lap at your feet covering them in foam…it hurts…the little ironies of life…Lord Buddha was spot on when he said that its what we love the most that gives us the most pain…
What can I do about it?? I cant carry a gun and walk to battle with my fellow men…I wish I were brave enough to do that…the painful truth is I’m not…I wish I could sit with those little children and tell them…you’re my future…you will know what I know now in a few years…you will see the world in a different perspective…I will do that…
About the pain…all I can do is meditate…reality is such that you cant help all the little star fish that get washed upon the shore, and helping one will not make your frustration any less…but with time and great practice you learn to tell your mind that…you will get to the other star fish...but for the moment you made a worlds’ difference to that one…

And then there was D (the DTV story)

2007-04-29T09:54:00.000-07:00

Talk about strategic corporate movements and emergent strategy… Dialog TV must be the best game plan I have ever seen a large corporate come up with in Sri Lanka since Lanka Bell launched its advertising campaign few months ago…with Airtel moving in on them, to buffer the hard blow that is imminent and inexorable, Dialog has indeed chosen well with DTV. It will not surprise the majority if the Big D decides to takeover Suntel…which may cause havoc to its competitor who has been celebrating like the fourth of July since their profits rose…(Yes I’m talking about Lanka Bell) Never underestimate the power of the consumer nor the assiduousness of advertisers to consume the consumer…

But we all know the mishaps of mergers and acquisitions…one being the culture clash which is an insufferable pain in the ass…Thus one must only assume that Big D must have weighed his options thoroughly before his decision to merge with CBN and will continue to do so in the future… the Culture bug will die a slow death…and for the time being DTV will have to oblige to the whims of the leeches that cant be removed…Hell I say it’s all worth it…a few more BOGOF (Buy One Get One Free-as with DTV) promotions and Big D is made for life….but I’d love to see what else they have up their sleeve…lay on Macduff…

Pissed...

2007-04-29T08:59:00.000-07:00

Did we let the world cup slip through our fingers? Unbelievable...dilhara....which ass put him on the team...and has our bowling ever been that bad?? We gave the Ausie's so much of confidence that they ended up pounding 6's for Malinga's balls...and there were talks and murmurs about if the match was fixed...

honour above all...that's a lotta bullshit in todays terms...what happened to giving it all we've got...if you read my post before this you'd realize that the raids hit me and my friends immensely...im no die hard cricket fan...but i know that cricket has made Sri Lanka a global entity...we're out there because our boys perform...even after the raid yesterday most of us were sending silent prayers that we'll pull through the match and show all the macho racists that have the gumption to question our strength as a nation or a team or as a irrefutably sound economy...(Yes I am the eternal optimist), the stuff a lankan's made of...

We srilankans are known for our sportsmanship...we never give up...even when its dark, slippery and cold we're out there hitting god knows what with everything we've got...all i know is we all had our hearts broken atleast once yesterday...i think i just contradicted my own statement...need to catch up on lost sleep...lets get them next time boys....still proud of you...it was a long journey and you walked it well...

Losing my religion....(Air raids in Colombo)

2007-04-29T02:22:00.000-07:00

When I was a child not so long ago there is something someone said that I will never forget…that I am very lucky to be born in this country…we don’t have freezing winters nor burning volcanoes. Our lives are based on strongly rooted religion, may it be Buddhism, Hinduism or Islam. We have a proud history with many brave men and many epics for bed time stories for generations. The ocean and the mountains. Beautiful lakes and forests. And above all great people who have a great ability to smile through their tears.

That image that was created when I was maybe five years old never left me. I have always considered myself blessed and no matter where I have been in life and no matter what ends of the earth I’ve traveled to I have always come back to my roots and lived my life in accordance to a culture that has irrevocably bound me to it. The realities of neither the northern conflict nor disasters like the tsunami changed my impression. They strengthened them….since hope was an undying entity. My dreams are built around this nation and they are big dreams…

I remember being in Kilinochchi last year visiting a bullet beaten little hut in the beach and wondering how these people can still live in this house and feel safe when they’ve been shot at in their own home…when I asked the father of the little family he just grinned and said… “Nona dan gey athulata wenedata wadaa eliya enawa’ (Madam, now our house has more sunshine streaming in) Need I say more?

Last night the strength of my faith in my country was tested, shaking it’s foundation. Watching the sky being splattered with a stream of red flares and watching the smoke and the flames flickering in the distant harbour brought reality crashing down. The thrill of watching the World Cup evaporated into a haze of red flashes in the sky. They were fireworks we were so sure…I mean it couldn’t be anything else. Then came the stream of phone calls…Colombo had a power failure. That’s when we noticed the long dark stretch of beach where Colombo used to be. Then friends from CR, CH and allover calling and asking if we were ok. Are you safe? Are you on your way home? Don’t go anywhere stay where you are..stay away from Galle Road.. It’s the harbour, the air port. Kolonnawa, the air force camp, Ratmalana. The papara band was still playing and people were still cheering…too drunk to realize…still dancing with their beer cans and vodka glasses in hand..for us the screen had fazed into a LCD glow…the papara was a mantra that echoed in our heads and then faded to a murmur. The constant phone calls…are you ok? Yes…still in one piece…don’t worry...I’m fine…

Am I? You keep your voice steady so that family and friends calm down. But your body’s shivering. Your hands are cold. A rain of red lights again…shooting into a dark night sky… and then came the stench of gun powder… smoke…No it wasn’t happening…we were dreaming….its a crazy nightmare…nothing’s on the radio or the TV..everyone was playing the match….a six…a four… dozens of red flairs from within Colombo this time…Ratmalana? Are we ok? Are they ok? People who didn’t call…where are you? Why is your phone switched off? Pls pls be home pls be fast asleep…can I pick you up…no go home….we’re at a friend’s…we’ll be home as soon as this is over… when? I don’t know…

I don’t know…who am I? this is my country…where I am safe..i will always be safe…where my future is…a country for which I have dreams of my own…a country for which I have plans, big plans…where the war will be another story to tell our grand children and where Jaffna is a road trip away…my future…my country…A country I am privileged to be a citizen of.. where I teach five year olds that they are lucky to be born in…a country I am proud of…a country where I can still sit on the beach and have kotthu even after seeing a water logged Galle after the Tsunami… unyielding, obstinate, adamant faith…faith that fought with my parents when they wanted to send me away to a different continent…faith that said…no matter where I go I will be back because this is home and the only place I will call home…not a memory I’ll remember in a few year and reminiscent…where I will leave foot prints on which I will walk over and over again…

We never slept…restlessly tossing and turning and answering the occasional call…too tired now to fake the calm in our voices…four in the morning…prayers have meaning then…did it really happen…now, in the morning everything is normal again…people are jogging in the streets…buses are back and Galle Road has a steady stream of traffic…the radio, the TV…still silence…did I dream the whole thing…me and all my friends with me? Those thick white clouds in the sky…its clouds…not smoke right??? The distinct picture of Orugodawatta many years ago flash across my mind…the flickering fire in the night and the stormy morning skies of the aftermath…

Coming home to worried parents…tucking yourself into bed and bidding yourself to sleep at seven in the morning…sleep…that never came…helplessness is the substance of fear…knowing that something evil is inevitable shakes you to the core…But putting on a brave face comes as the eventuality of the inevitable.

Faith will be questioned, judged and occasionally tested with earthquakes of reality…but faith is built on fundamental principals that are unquestionable and solid. This is still my country… for me 102 runs from 51 balls is not impossible it’s 2-runs-per-ball-probable…it’s the adrenaline that keeps me going and holds my head high…its what keeps me grounded when gravity fails…it’s the fact on which my dreams are built...maybe I am more of a dreamer than a realist but if being a part of this country and keeping my roots has even the slightest chance, it is a price I’ll willingly pay…and I will continue to teach starry eyed five year olds who want to grow up to be doctors and lawyers that this is still the most blessed land ever…because I know that will build the faith that will hold strong as it has for me..

The sun will shine through the bullet holes and it will shine brighter…tomorrow…but today…we will lick our wounds and patch the cracks that were rendered to that faith…and tomorrow we will continue to dream…of tomorrow..

Take a Chill Pill....

2007-04-26T04:37:00.000-07:00

Nerve wracking, mind numbing, goose bumping moments in life...how many of them have we had?? i think da best way to deal with crazy moments is to be a adreholic....get used to getting high on excitement....make the most critical situation in to a little mind game where you dare yourself to take the chill pill....dare yourself to control da situation and not vice versa...love the tension and live on the thrill...the satisfaction of realizing that you just beat the moment.....woah that'a gotta be worth it....

I love you ‘cos u teach me what love is….

2007-04-25T10:13:00.000-07:00

I’m warning you…you’ve heard this one before….who knows best to love? A child…What’s more thrilling than an unexpected peck on the cheek for absolutely no reason…everything about the way a kid loves is amazing…for them it’s a different language altogether..toffees and chewing gums for surprises and those little rhymes that thrill them to little giggling puddles…the way they bounce back from tears to toothless smiles…the way they hug each other for the heck of it…the way they sneakily take your hand when they know you’re sad…
Ask them to jump they jump so hard like they wanna touch the sky but they’re half your height…you wonder when and how that kind of enthusiasm and energy drains off..

and we wanna grow up….why?? If I only knew then what I know now….

huff and puff and blow the house down...

2007-04-25T09:36:00.000-07:00

Didn’t work for the big bad wolf and it doesn’t work for the rest of us…loosing your head in a tough situation just blows things out of proportion… It sucks up the precious little energy you need to actually deal with the problem at hand… and it takes over every miniscule space in your body so that you’re drained of any positivity…So next time you’re listening to someone saying something you really don’t wanna hear…somewhere between your ears and your brain cells convert each and every word to one single word…BLAH….BLAH….BLAH….

a little piece of heaven...

2007-04-25T09:23:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had kotthu with the best of friends sitting on a little step with salty wind blowing in your hair and the ocean waves shushing your banter… hot hot ‘yaara coffee’ with froth all over in the freezing cold bunched together and blowing mist from your nostrils…where you forget that we have only one common language and that’s not your mother tongue…but the words fall into place along with the rest of the world…and a prayer..let this moment last forever…great friends great kotthu….

I AM SRI LANKAN...

2007-04-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

Three cheers to da lion cubs!!!!! awesome awesome stuff yesterday...damn u wish u were there watching it one on one live...I just love da way sri lankans party...its all-out-there-head-on-JAM for them... Bandanas, face paint, whistles and of course the grand Sri Lankan flag...even the tiny tuk tuks were overflowing with dozens of arms waving Sri Lankan flags...the car horns tooting to the papara rythem and the bicycles tilling to the beat... it was one crazy-hollar fiasco out there. The old gentlemen, drunk n doing the occasional tummy rub and the little battas trying to stay awake so that they can catch a glimpse of Malinga ayya's hair...and those tiny tots who gave up and lolled drowsily while everything around them blew out in one big smash!!! amazing amazing AMAZING... that's what life oughta be.....good kotthu...good friends...u leave your qualms and the balderdash behind and you let your hair down...the clean way of course...and you laugh and cheer your blues away!!! I love this country…

YaHEy!!

2007-04-23T21:08:00.000-07:00

Hey fellow bloggers, peeps, dudes, dogs, fellas and bosom buds…well to get a few things straight and dandy…. I am NOT a chocoholic, am NOT a rock fanatic, am NOT a social psychopath nor a crazy dancer….YAA RIGHT…so first things first….Bites does not denote anything negative….contrary to popular belief reality does NOT suck my friends…no seriously…You just need to take of with a pinch of salt and a dash of tequila (just so you know I am an anti-alcoholic…IOW I’ve already got too much hype in me teehee!!!) So for the formerly mentioned ppl…So here's where u'll see the painful…brutal truths about life…raw and uncensored (NOT)….and hopefully I’ll be able to mess with this in my free time…besides I LOOOOVE to talk..

Heil life and everything that’s beautiful

Cheers

PoOH