A page from my diary.....

Come on.....step in to my mind.....do you see? this is me...and this is my world....i don't expect you to understand...after all it isn't that simple....I know....I know you wish that it WAS that simple....do you feel that? that's joy....it sucks you in...a roller coaster ride...breaths you in....like love......of course I give into it...I laugh at everything that says life is short....what does it mean? my life is not lived in years. months, days or hours....but seconds....short is not a number....it's an eternity of the uncountable....

peace is a luxury....no....it WAS a luxury....now it's an addiction....it's in every cell every nuance of my existence....like the perfect wine....it's perfection achieved with time...peace.... is twirling and twirling in a lonely living room running back an year with each twirl....back to a childhood of ruffles and bows....

can you smell that? that's apples and berries.....cinnamon and lime....honey and roses...reminding me of a place I left behind....a place I run away from....a place I always end up running to....

it's the heart that skip skip skips a few beats and starts with a new life....there's no fear in this place....no dread... no darkness....

Come walk into my mind.... I am through fighting...this is me giving in....the dawn had touched my cheek....it's pretty...orange and blue and yellow....i am a part of that painting...drawn with the pastels of nature.... I am reluctantly but surely home....

Damn it....

WOW…that’s all I have to say….WOW….you know those silver lining you talk about….it’s magic…it’s the WOW factor…. Tom Peters talked about it without even knowing how amazing that WOW factor was…

So my kitten died….I lost my wristwatch….my wallet and phone were stolen AND my visa rejected all within a span of a week…oh n did I forget to mention a thundering basket ball injury? Sigh…now that I think about it…it all seem a tad unreal…I was on da verge of tears…and then comes the blessing in life…

You know we forget the things that are important in life…we leave them for tomorrow…assuming ofcourse that tomorrow will indeed come…big assumption there…more so when you’re a resident in Colombo, Sri Lanka. We forget to tell our friends we love them…we forget to kiss our mothers….we forget to hug our sisters….we compromise for a vague excuse of a smile or some meaningless words…For me…this was the best opportunity to tell them all how much I love them…b’cos I realized no matter how bad it got, it would be worse without them….it would be worse on my own…

So I started with my mom….who hated any physical contact ;) oh well u can’t possibly live like that if you’ve got me for a daughter. So I hugged until she pried my arms away…oh well… and my sister ofcourse who pretends she hates to be hugged but giggles whenever I do….i hugged and tickled her until she couldn’t breath….then my dogs I hugged each one of them and got lots of dog drool all over my face…sigh… I sent my best friend a hug in UK…and sent each of my friends on chat a hug as well… I kissed da photo of my boyo…my soul mate…now somewhere in heaven hopefully having tequila shots and enjoying soft sand and a cool breeze…I took all three of my kittens…cotton, blackster and trinity (I didn’t name them…) one black and white like her mom and the others brown…they miss shady… they used to play in pairs but now they play in threes. They were soft and purry and I let them fall asleep on my hands…and I fell in love….

I fell in love all over again with a world that was a kaleidoscope of imperfections…..beautiful in it’s colours dancing a salsa to the nuances of life… I fell in love…with free will….that musters the strength to say I Love You buddy and I’ll always be there….I fell in love…because inspite of the imperfections and the infinitesimal yet colossal blunders…life never fails to give us a peek into a miracle… or three...three tiny kittens purring themselves to sleep… a scar that fades and doesn’t even leave the memory of an elbow hitting your cheek during basket ball…laughter in my sister’s eyes… breath….breath…

WOW… I fell in love with the peace that was part of every miracle…the humbling peace that overtakes you….life was beautiful…I had done my share of good deeds for the day…and my wallet and phone… I’ve replaced them…for better ones obviously… and I stuck a picture of me and my sister in my new wallet…me 13 she 8…giggling away at some joke I can’t recall…and all I can think is…I didn’t have a place for this in my old wallet…

About Mistakes.......

Some say they wouldn't change any of the mistakes they made in life.....because it's those mistakes that moulded them into who they are....for me.....there are a few mistakes i wish i could take back....because inspite of them teaching me the biggest lessons in life......it took something precious away.....like the laughter in the eyes of a good friend.....the warmth of love.....the beauty of honesty and trust.......

and….then there are the big whoppers…… mistakes that teach us the wrong lessons….the lessons we don’t want to learn in life…..like how NOT to trust….how NOT to love….how NOT to let your guard down…..how NOT to depend on anyone….

And then you break a heart…..you mistrust someone…….you hurt someone….that doesn’t feel like a mistake….because we learnt how to self-preserve……and there is no going back after that….everything after that is shrugged off…..as circumstantial riffraff…..

A long time ago in a large conference room in a tiny hotel in south of England a little grey haired man told me…..forget the lessons …..forget the moulding….the crafting…..the scars…..the cuts…..forget all the marks that life left upon you…..shed the layers and layers of rust that has built.....go back to who you were before “THEY” came into the picture…..live your life like a child…..a child who dreams of growing silver wings and flying into the blue blue sky……live your life like you walk on air…..like water’s something you breath in…..like the ground is only for you to lay down to sleep……

Life is huge……so huge….and so beyond our comprehension…..but when we let our mistakes push us around……we let them shove us back…..a few steps back….in which time we could have leapt a few steps ahead…..

Life in full blast is ethereal……it’s like leaping off the edge and discovering you can float…as light as a feather...with the air flowing right through you…..right through your veins……if you let it…..it will accept you….mistakes and all…..

but….first…….you need to forgive yourself…..mistakes and all…….

Living Two Lives.....

You know the feeling of being stuck between a rock and a hard place? well try being stuck between a rock and a soft bed of roses......and you can't let go of the former because it adds perspective to your life and somehow justifies the path you chose to walk on...and to forget the biting harshness of it....you escape to the bliss of millions of petals...... i dream about it you know.... the softness....the fragrance that slowly and stealthily creeps into your veins.....into every pore of your body that has been brutalized by the rock.....i bet this is what salvation feels like....stepping into heaven after crawling through the rubbish of earth..... you'd be surprised to know that i'm talking about work......my livelihood.....well my 'fulltime' one anyways......believe me when i say i love the work that i do......but what's sad is that i can never find anything in common with anyone around me.....these people stare at a laptop 24 7 like ginormous spiders awaiting their prey.....silent......ignorant of all else except the tiny fly that lands in front of them......ignorant.....and gradually they have converted me into an arthropod.....it's very rarely i feel human around them..... wow....that sounded a little harsh.....but this is me.....i'm used to painting, drawing, brain storming, strategizing......15 minutes of intense wok wok up their and your running around with a plan.....the bustle.....life......i'm used to life......but now LIFE happens on weekends.......anything that i say or do makes sense on weekends......so why do i still do it?? there's no justifyig it......but let me make atleast a lame attempt......i like my brain......i like the fact that it gets whopping ideas that make ppl sit and contemplate for a few minutes.....i like catching ppl off-guard.....i like watchin them wonder how smone as crazy as me can be good at what i do.....well i am.....on both accounts......and the bruising......i get my TLC on my weekends.....my bouncy beautiful bed of roses.......in walks life and all the rest that comes with it....... like i told my best friend.......time will come......this in only for NOW.......time WILL come.....but sometimes i wonder if it's all an excuse i make.....simply cos i like my rock.....the bark....the bite and all......hmmm......

Taking a big bite of sm'n sm'n......

(yishe....has it bin THAT long since i blogged.....ya well......life always finds a way to keep u occupied.....)

treckin the world......we've all dreamt about it....work for 5 years of ur life....become filthy rich and just roam the earth.....a restless soul.....trying to find whatever wherever.....with a guitar for company.....and worn out leather boots.....i dream about it ....but whenever i do....it always comes back to this.......because there are sm'ns u can't leave behind.....sm'ns u can't live without.....sm'ms dat keep u grounded.....sm'ns that you give your heart to completely.....damn it dat's all a hecka lotta cliche's.......

haven't said this in quite awhile.....but i'm in love.....head over heals....butterflies and the works....and it's all for a land called Sri Lanka.....

it's true....if it's true love......you fall all over every morning....every night :)